I don’t know when it started, but I think it’s been happening for as long as I can remember. There’s this… pull. This quiet, persistent tug at my chest every time I’m with them—both of them—and I don’t know how to say it. I don’t even know if I can, but I have to try because it’s eating me up, and I don’t know what else to do.
They’re twins. Not identical, but the similarities are enough that, at times, I can’t tell where one begins and the other ends. The way they speak, laugh, even the way they move… it’s like they share the same breath. But here’s the thing—I love them both. And I don’t just mean in the way you love your best friends, or the way you admire someone from afar. No, it’s different. It’s deeper. It’s like I’m bound to them both in ways I can’t untangle.
And I don’t even think they know. Maybe they do, maybe they feel it too, but it’s hard to explain. I’ve spent so many moments with them, feeling a strange sense of comfort when I’m around one of them, only to realize, not long after, I’m missing the other one. When one isn’t around, it’s like something is off. And when they are both there? I feel whole, but I also feel terrified.
Terrified that one might slip away.
I can’t say it—how do I say it? How do I admit to them, or to myself, that I’m in love with both of them? Because what if I choose wrong? What if, by trying to make a choice, I end up losing them both? I’ve been watching them, studying their every glance, every smile, trying to figure out which one I love more, or which one could ever love me back in the way I need them to. But the truth is, I don’t want to choose. I don’t want to live in a world where I’m forced to pick between them.
I’m afraid. Afraid of letting go of one. Afraid of what would happen if I lost one of them. The thought of not having them both, of not feeling that quiet unity when they’re both around, haunts me in ways I can’t even explain.
I know this sounds insane. Hell, maybe it is. But I can’t stop feeling this way. And it’s not just about being selfish or wanting both of them for myself—it’s more than that. It’s that feeling, the one that settles deep in my bones, telling me that if I lose one, I might lose both. That their bond, whatever it is that they share, might not be able to withstand the weight of what’s between us.
So, here I am, trying to navigate this mess in my heart, feeling like a fool. Loving them both, without knowing how to untangle it, without knowing if I’ll ever have the courage to admit it aloud. I don’t know how this will end, or even if it will end at all. But I do know this—I’m terrified of losing either of them. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop being afraid.
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